The Doctor and The Parallel Universes
by IronSpockMaster
Summary: Instructions inside. Basically, give me a prompt and I'll write you a one shot. Have fun prompting :
1. Chapter 1

**Doctor Who OneShot Xovers**

I got this idea from Yamiyugi23 who did a Harry Potter xover series. Basically, if you have an idea you can't write, or if you just want a laugh, drop me a review giving me another fandom and a prompt. The prompt can be as long or short as you like, you can give me one word, or an entire plot. Also, I'll need which characters you want otherwise I'll pick, and that might end as a disaster...

This will be rated M because who knows what I'm gonna be asked to write.

I'll definitely write for these fandoms:

Harry Potter

Deathnote

Star Trek TOS

Pokemon Blue

Pokemon Gold

Civilizations 3 and PTW

Torchwood

Demonata

Monsters Inc

Finding Nemo

Toy Story

Discworld

Big Bang Theory

Star Trek Voyager

Lord Of The Rings

BUT don't be afraid to ask me about others. I don't bite :p


	2. Improbable, Not Impossible

**Improbable, Not Impossible**

**For Kamai6**

**Prompt: Could you please write one for doctor who and (if you've read it) hitchhikers guide to the galaxy?**

**AN: This is humour, mainly. At least, I've tried to make it funny...**

The tenth Doctor rarely ends up where he wants to end up. More often than not, his TARDIS lands somewhere he really wasn't planning on going, but just happens to be infested with aliens. Other times, he just gets lost.

"I wonder... where shall I go?" he asked himself. There was no one with him, because, as usual, he hadn't been able to hold onto his companion. Not that he really minded. It was what was best for Donna, after all.

He did miss her, and he hated having to leave her. That goodbye had been horrible. She hadn't even remembered who he was.

But now he was going to have some 'Doctor' time. And he was going to have fun. And he could mope around and miss her afterwards.

The TARDIS landed pretty smoothly, but it still made that reassuring noise that the Doctor loved. He opened the door, dressed in his swimming trunks and a beach towel, all ready to chill on the beach.

"Sun, sea and sand," he said to himself. "Just what I needed." He stepped out of the TARDIS.

He stepped out of the TARDIS onto a metal floor. His bare toes scrunched up, expecting sand.

"Not again!" he muttered, as he realised that his TARDIS had brought him to the wrong destination yet again. "Well, I might as well make the most of it, while I'm here. Hey, Donna-" He stopped. "She's gone, you fool."

He took in his surroundings. White metal. Futuristic decor. Some form of spaceship, obviously. He turned to go back into the TARDIS, find some more appropriate clothes and run a scan to find out where he was. It was gone. It just wasn't there. There was nothing in-between him and the white painted metal wall. He waved his hand through the air, and realised, with a sinking feeling in his stomach, that it really was just air, and his TARDIS really was gone.

"It's annoying when that happens, isn't it?" said a rather monotonous, depressing voice from behind him. He turned round to see an average sized robot (Although what counts as average? he thought. Well, it was shorter than him.). It had a large head and was the same spotless white as the ship.

"Where's my ship gone?" the Doctor cried frantically.

"I wouldn't know. I've got a brain the size of a planet, and they send me on common errands..."

"If you've got a brain the size of a planet you can tell me where my ship's gone!"

"I don't know. Brain the size of a planet, and I don't know." If the robot had been human, he would have drooped, but he was made of metal, so he didn't.

"It can't just have vanished. It can't have!" the Doctor panicked.

"Follow me," said the robot. His voice sounded even more depressed, if that was even possible.

The Doctor followed him through the ship.

"Seriously, what happened to my ship?" The robot ignored him, content (if he could ever be considered content) to mutter darkly to himself about how depressed he was.

"Oh Gods, another one," said a blonde man with more than one head.

"Another what?" asked a woman, her back to the Doctor and the robot.

"Another towel carrying lunatic."

"The correct term is hitchhiker," said another man, who only had the one head.

"I don't care! Do I look like a care? Why is he even my problem?"

"The ship picked him up," said the woman.

"Well, can we programme it not to?"

"No," said the woman, turning round. Then she jumped. "You have two heads."

"No I don't," said the first head.

"Yes I do," said the second. A third hand shot out of his stomach and slapped the first head.

"Improbability drive," said the other guy. "Who's the new kid?"

"The Doctor," said the Doctor, holding out his hand. He held up the towel with the other hand. The two headed man looked at the Doctor's hand as if he didn't know what to do with it. Which, thought the Doctor, he probably didn't. The other guy stepped forward instead.

"Ford Prefect," he said, shaking the Doctor's hand. "I see you are well prepared."

"Well prepared...?" said the Doctor, confused.

"You have your towel," said Ford.

"I'm Trillian," said the woman, not leaving the controls. "And that's Zaphod."

"Zaphod Beeblebrox, president of the galaxy," said one of the heads. "And this-" he waved his hands about impressively- "is the Heart Of Gold."

"And I'm Marvin, not that anybody cares," said the robot.

"Where's Arthur?" asked Trillian, glancing around. "He's the only other human on this ship, besides me and you," she said to the Doctor.

"Um... I'm no human," said the Doctor. "I'm a time lord, and my ship vanished when I landed on yours. And please pardon my attire, I was ready for the beach, but it seems there is no beach." He sounded disappointed.

"Never happy, are they?" muttered Marvin. "They're on the Heart Of Gold, and they still complain."

"Can someone _please _send that android off as scrap metal?" whined the president of the galaxy. "He's doing my heads in." As he said this, his second head disappeared.

"Your head," said the Doctor. "It's gone." He didn't sound shocked, or even afraid. Just a little bemused.

"Ah," said Zaphod. "Drat."

"Is two heads not enough for you?" asked Trillian, and the Doctor looked confused until the Betelgeusian president flipped his head back, revealing yet another one underneath.

"_Some _people only have _one_ head," muttered Marvin.

"Hey, Marvin," said yet another man, entering the control room. This man looked rather ordinary, although he was wearing a dressing gown, which was a bit odd. Human, thought the Doctor.

"Yes, Arthur Dent?" said Marvin dully.

"Cheer up. Most of us only have one head."  
"Arthur!" exclaimed Ford. "Meet the Doctor."

"Hello Doctor." They shook hands. Yep, definitely human, thought the Doctor.

"Would anybody like a pan-galactic gargle blaster?" asked Zaphod, breaking the awkward silence.

"Don't accept," warned Trillian. "You won't like it."

"Oh, won't I?" said the Doctor. He could never back down from a challenge.

"Don't say I didn't warn you," said Trillian, as Zaphod whipped out his third arm and began mixing two drinks.

"You know, I invented this," said Zaphod happily. The Doctor gulped, suddenly feeling a lot less confident. The president began mixing lots of interesting things in oddly shaped – and oddly coloured – bottles. The Doctor caught a glimpse of some of the labels. 'Ol' Janx Spirit'. 'Santraginus V Sea Water'. 'Fallian Marsh Gas'.

"This drink can't be mixed on Earth," piped up Arthur.

"Oh? Why?" asked the Doctor. He was breaking into a sweat.

"Environmental and weapons treaties," said Ford. That doesn't sound too good, thought the Doctor. "Oh, and the laws of physics of course."

The Doctor took the glass that Zaphod's third arm was offering him and studied it, a worried expression on his face. The liquid looked as if it was attempting to burn through the bottom of the glass.

"Drink up," said Zaphod, raising his glass and then downing it in one. He gave a slight shudder and then put the glass down. "Wonderful," he said with a grin. The Doctor attempted to do the same, but as the strange liquid slipped down his throat he let out a scream of pain. It felt as if his brain was being smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick.

"Aaaaagh!" he screamed, collapsing to the floor. The glass smashed.

"I suppose _I'm_ going to have to clean that up," sighed Marvin.

Three days later, and the Doctor seemed to have fully recovered from his 'incident'. He sat up groggily, still in the same place he had collapsed.

"You've been out for three days," the shipboard computer, Eddie, informed him cheerfully. "Oh, and the improbability drive has been fixed and your little blue box is safely back where it landed."

"Ah, thanks," the Doctor said, rubbing his pounding head. "I appear to have a hangover..."

He said goodbye to everyone.

"You may wish to change into something a bit more... well, normal," said Trillian, as the Doctor realised with embarrassment that he was still only wearing his swimming trunks.

"And remember, always carry a towel," said Ford Prefect with a grin. The Doctor smiled back. He stepped into the TARDIS.

"So long, and thanks for all the fish," he said, giving a jaunty little wave.

**The End**

**Well... I hope this was alright... It didn't turn out quite how I expected it to, but I guess that's what happens when you're travelling with the Doctor. ;)**


	3. The breeze that came from nowhere

**The Breeze That Came From Nowhere**

**For Kamai6**

**Prompt: Star trek voyager where one of the crew is actually the doc (not the hologram) in a new regeneration... :)**

**Here goes...**

"Who _are _these people?" asked Kathryn Janeway, watching the screen in front of her.

"Whoever they are, it doesn't look like they're going to give up," said Tom.

"I suggest we ask them," said Tuvok, the rational, logical voice of the crew. The _Vulcan_ voice of the crew.

"You're right. They're obviously following us, and they haven't threatened violence," said Janeway.

"Yet..." muttered Tom.

"Hail the ship. Try and make contact with the captain," she ordered.

Down in engineering, Harry and B'Elanna stood talking.

"There's something I haven't told you. Something I haven't told any of you," said Harry, looking down at his feet.

"I'm... well, I'm not exactly-" Warning lights and sirens began flashing and screaming throughout the entire ship.

"I don't think now is quite the time," said B'Elanna, rushing into action. "Go up to the bridge and find out what's going on." Harry left.

"Now would be a perfect time to tell them. A perfect time to tell them and get killed!" Harry muttered to himself. "But what more can I do?"

"Talking to yourself, Mr Kim?" asked Tuvok.

"Well, yes, actually."

"I was just on my way down to see you. The captain wants both you and B'Elanna on the bridge. Everyone else is already there.""

"I'm on my way up there now. You can go get B'Elanna."

"Very well."

On the bridge, Janeway was debating with Chakotay over the sound of the sirens.

"I think we should include the doctor in these discussions," said Chakotay.

"He's not needed. This is purely precautionary contact, these people are probably traders of some sort."

"Traders who have gotten past our first set of defences. Surely, just as a precaution, the whole crew should be here? These people have been stalking us for five days, getting closer and closer, and have now attempted to get unauthorised access to our ship. Why would any trader have that much perseverance?" said Chakotay.

"You're probably right," admitted Janeway. "Someone contact the doctor." The hologram programme appeared on the bridge.

"A medical emergency?" he asked, confused.

"Just a precaution," said Janeway, as Harry entered.

"Tuvok and B'Elanna are on their way," he said.

Five minutes later and everyone was assembled. The breached security had been repaired, and the warning lights and sirens had stopped.

"This is Captain Janeway of the star ship Voyager. Do you read me?"

"We read you," hissed a strange voice in reply.

"State your name and purpose."  
"Give us the Doctor."

"What? But I'm just a hologram! What would they want with me?" the doctor spluttered.

"They don't want you," said Harry. "They want me."

"But-" said the doctor.

"I'm the Doctor," said Harry.

"No, I'm the doctor. You must be delusional, or maybe hallucinating. Come down to sickbay and-"

"No, no. I'm the Doctor. You're the doctor."

"I don't think I quite understand..."

"I'm not Harry Kim." Janeway looked shocked.

"Where is Harry?" she asked, suspiciously. Harry realised that he had a phaser trained on him.

"What have you done with my friend?" cried out Tom. It was he who was holding the weapon.

"I'm still Harry. I've always been Harry. But before I was Harry, before Harry existed, I was the Doctor. And I'm still the Doctor..."

"One last chance, or we'll blow you all to hell," hissed the voice. "Give us the Doctor. You have two hours." The communication was ended.

"Janeway glared at Harry Kim, who quaked a little in his boots.

"Explain yourself," she said curtly. "And quickly."

"I'm a time lord."

"Time lord?"

"An extinct species from the planet Gallifrey, now destroyed. They have the technology to travel through time and space, and the power to regenerate when their body dies," said Tuvok.

"If they're extinct, how can you be telling the truth?" asked Janeway.

"I'm the last of my kind," said Harry. "I was lonely. So I joined Star Fleet."

"You claimed you were human. You lied, Kim."

"The Federation believe time lords to be extinct. What else could I have done?"

"Very well. Who are these people and what do they want?" Harry looked down at his feet.

"I'm afraid to say, but I'm pretty certain that they're the Family Of Blood, or at least the descendants of. In a former regeneration I imprisoned their relatives. I guess they still haven't forgiven me. I had to though," he added quickly.

"Very well. Have you any idea how to get rid of them?"

"Trick them. It's the only way."

Janeway stared at Harry in disbelief.

"So you're saying that we need to lure them onto the ship?"

"No!" said Tom, Chakotay and the doctor at the same time.

"What if it went wrong? It would be carnage," said the doctor.

"No it wouldn't," said Harry. "If it went wrong I'd... I'd give myself up and they'd take me and leave. That's the way they work." He felt braver than he had done in a long time.

"We could simply comply with their wishes and hand Mr Kim over," said Seven, who had stayed silent up to this point. "He lied to us, after all."

"That's not how this crew works, Seven," said Janeway. "We will deal with that issue after we've got rid of this 'family of blood'."

Everything was ready.

"This is Captain Janeway of the Star Ship Voyager. We have the Doctor."

"Hand him over," hissed the voice. Harry shivered. He remembered the last time he had gone up against this family, and how hard it had been to catch them. But he was a different man now, and it had been so long since he had fought aliens singlehandedly. It had been so long since he had travelled the realms of time and space in his little blue box. He was a member of Star Fleet now.

"Come and get me," he whispered. The crew watched as an ordinary looking man beamed on board.

"Good evening," he said in a soft, English accent. Harry could hear the slightest hint of a hiss behind the words. The man's eyes flickered open, and they were... different. Wrong.

"This man is not human, nor any alien I have ever come across," whispered the doctor. "I am unsure whether my methods will work."  
"Shhh..." said Tom.

"Where is the Doctor?" the man asked, the hissing more defined now. The hologram stepped forwards.

"Here I am."

"Come here." Through his holographic eyes, the doctor could see a thin green haze surrounding the man's body. When he moved, the doctor's eyes saw the shake and blur, the unnatural movement. If he had been human, he would have been terrified, but he was a holo-programme, and he was programmed to follow orders. He stood beside the alien.

"Night night," he said, and hit with a sleeper right in the neck. The man blinked, grabbed out, missed and then collapsed.

"Get him to sickbay," ordered Janeway. "Maximum security." The she spoke to the rest of the family, who were waiting in their ship. "We have your... brother-" But before she could offer anything, one of them spoke. It was a different voice, younger and female.

"We will return." And then the ship backed away fast, and soon it was gone.

"What do we do with the other one?" asked Tom.

"Take him back to earth and try him for threatening a federation ship."

"And what about Harry?"

"The same," said Janeway, "but for a different charge."  
"Where is Harry?" asked Tom.

"He left only a few moments ago," said Tuvok.

Harry was running along Voyager's corridors. He reached Holodeck 9 and stopped by the doors.

"Computer, activate 'Earth, 1950s' programme." The door opened, and he walked outside into the snow. He made his way over to an unobscure police phonebox at the corner of the street. "Hello, old girl," he said, patting it. "Seems like Star Fleet life wasn't for me. Who knew the family would still be after me?" He opened the TARDIS door. "Goodbye, Star Fleet, goodbye Voyager. Goodbye Tom Paris, and Captain Janeway. Goodby Harry Kim." He heard the holodeck door click open, and footsteps crunch through the snow.

"Mr Kim," he heard Tuvok call.

"Harry?" he heard Tom shout.

"Goodbye," he whispered, and when Tuvok and Tom reached the street corner all they saw was a dead leaf blowing in a breeze.

A breeze that came from nowhere.

**The End**

**AN: Well, that wasn't comedy... Meh, I hope it's alright. It sort of wrote itself.**


	4. Zaphod Meets His Match

Zaphod Meets His Match

**PROMPT: Voyager (or TOS), Torchwood and Hitchhikers guide... :) Would love to see Jack, Janeway (or Kirk and Spock) and Zaphod in the same room (it would be ego galore).**

**For Kamai6**

**I've done TOS, because I'm more comfortable writing it, and you gave me the choice.**

"Mr Spock, Bones and I will beam down to check this place out." Kirk stood up and glanced around the bridge. "Scotty, take control."

"Yes, Sir."

OoO

"Where are we headed, Doctor?" Jack asked. Ten looked at Jack, a sparkle in his eyes.

"It's a surprise!"

"Not another one…" Jack sighed.

"Do you not like surprises?" The Doctor pulled his puppy face. "We can do something else if you like…" Jack looked at the big, watery brown eyes and downturned lips. He could never resist that face.

"Very well," he said. "Surprise it is."

OoO

"Don't make me go through this again!" cried Arthur. Ford chuckled.

"It's fun!" he said, grinning manically. Zaphod leaned on the switch.

"Hold on tight…" The improbability drive whirred into action. Arthur vomited.

OoO

Spock, Kirk and McCoy stood on the rocky planet surface.

"The computer showed life forms, but there don't appear to be any in the immediate vicinity," said Spock.

"We'll find them," said Kirk determinedly, stepping forward with his hand on his phaser. It was at that very moment that the Heart of Gold decided that it would pick up a couple of new passengers, change course slightly and use primitive radio waves to interfere with the Enterprise's technology. Kirk didn't notice- why would he?- and walked right into the trap laid by the Eleepherd'ins. Twenty large, heavy set men with huge, flappy ears sprung out from their hiding places. Each one was clutching a four foot spear in front of them. A menacing growl emanated from each and every one.

"I take it there are no injured survivors then?" asked Bones sarcastically.

"No, and I do believe that the entire story about the crashed ship was no more than a story," said Spock. Kirk glared at them.

"Let's get out of here and talk later," he said. "Transporter room: three to transport."

"Transporting now," said the tinny voice through Kirk's receiver.

"Thank God for that," muttered Kirk, as they disappeared only moments before the first Eleepherd'in struck.

OoO

"Where is the Captain?" asked Chekov. "I thought we beamed him up?"

"We did…" said Scotty.

"So where is he? If he is not here…"

"Be quiet!"

OoO

"Why are you doing this to me?" cried the Doctor, staring distraught at the TARDIS control panel.

"I'm not doing anything," said Jack.

"I mean, please! It was going to be great. But no! You couldn't have that now, could you?"

"What did I do?" asked Jack.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"Sorry?" Now Jack was really confused.

"I'm sorry, old girl. We've been through a lot together. I just… I just wanted it to be a surprise."

"Old girl?" Jack exclaimed. The Doctor turned to face him.

"I'm talking to the TARDIS!"

"Right…" Jack leaned against the controls and waited.

OoO

"What's it doing?" wailed Arthur, puking up multi-coloured marbles.

"I don't know!" cried Zaphod cheerfully. "You're such a lightweight!"

"Excuse me," said Eddie, his voice laced with friendliness, "but the Heart of Gold appears to have picked up an alien ship. It's in the hold."

"A whole ship?" asked Arthur, amazed. "How does it fit?" He coughed, and a large, mottled, green and brown Earth frog clambered out of his mouth.

"It's a very small ship," said Eddie.

OoO

"I've been here before," said the Doctor. There was an ominous silence.

"Where exactly is here?" asked Jack. They were still stood in the TARDIS.

"Here is the surprise!" said the Doctor. "Now that I've got the TARDIS working." He patted the control panel. "She just needed a little encouragement, that's all."

"I see…" Jack didn't quite know what to think. "So what's this place like, then? Have _I _been here before?"

"I don't think you will have. It's friendly, and a little bit crazy, and last time I went it was slightly painful as well…" He tailed off, remembering his first meeting with a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster.

"Painful?" asked Jack. He wasn't too sure about this trip; he should have been back working with Torchwood. But the Doctor had seemed so lonely.

"Good painful," clarified the Doctor.

"Oh, that's ok then," said Jack.

OoO

"Where are we?" asked Kirk. He looked around. The three of them were stood in a grey, metallic room.

"Not where we expected to be," said Bones. He sat down. "Well, can we see a way out?" Kirk walked over to the door and pushed.

"Locked," he said.

"Try pulling," said Spock logically. Kirk pulled the handle.

"Still locked," he said.

"We've lost our communications," said Spock, after a few moments silence. He had been attempting to contact the Enterprise.

"Well," said Kirk. "Let's hope someone comes and lets us out soon, then." He sat down beside Bones. Spock remained standing.

OoO

"We're just materialising now!" said the Doctor, beaming. The TARDIS shook, and the noise that the Doctor loved so much began.

OoO

"Get to the edge of the room," said Spock. Kirk and Bones moved quickly, confused but trusting. The Vulcan had been scanning the area, but up until now hadn't noticed anything unusual. The very second after they had moved out of the way, a large, blue box began materialising right where they had been sitting.

"I've only ever seen these in history books," said Kirk, looking at the police box. "I wonder what it's doing here, and how it got here."

"Well let's just hope that whatever's inside it is friendly," said Bones, eyeing the box with distrust.

OoO

The Doctor opened the door of the TARDIS and stepped out into the metallic room. The room which seemed to have no other purpose than to pick up unwanted passengers. Jack followed him.

"Is this it?" he asked, disappointed.

"No, no, no," said the Doctor. Neither of them noticed the three Enterprise crewmen who were watching them from behind the TARDIS. The Doctor ran the end of his sonic screwdriver around the edge of the door. There was a 'whir' and a 'click' and then the door swung open. The Doctor and Jack left the room, Kirk, Bones and Spock following.

OoO

"We have five visitors and they have broken out of the holding room," said Eddie cheerfully. "It's improbable that they are hostile, and don't worry, the worst they can do is kill you!"

"Improbable?" cried Arthur.

"Shut up," said Zaphod. "I'm the President-"

"You _were_ the president," butted in Trillian. Zaphod continued as if she hadn't spoken.

"-so they can't do anything."

"His heads are too big for his boots," Ford whispered to Arthur. There was a knock at the door, and then it swung open.

"Hello again," said the Doctor.

OoO

Zaphod, Trillian, Ford and Arthur stared at the four strangers. The Doctor grinned.

"You've only met me, haven't you? Well, you're in for a treat. This is Captain Jack Harkness." He pointed at Jack who nodded.

"Excuse me for wondering, Doctor, but who are the other people?" Arthur asked quietly.

"Haven't a clue!" said the Doctor, grinning madly. Zaphod stepped forward angrily.

"This is my ship!" he said heatedly.

"Your _stolen_ ship," muttered Trillian.

"You can't just bring any random strangers as if it were a... a... a public swimming pool!"

"I'll have you know that I am Captain Kirk of the Star Ship Enterprise," said Kirk, stepping forward until he was almost touching Zaphod, who flinched and moved back a little.

"Where's your Star Ship now?" he shot back. "This is the Heart of Gold, and I'm President of the galaxy!"

"You _were_ president," muttered Trillian. Zaphod turned around and glared at her.

"This looks like it's going to be good," the Doctor whispered to Arthur. He sat down on a conveniently placed orange beanbag, which looked really out of place compared to the rest of the decor. "Got any popcorn?" Arthur shook his head, bemused. "Ah, well, never mind."

"Excuse me, gentlemen," said Jack. He had removed his jacket and- in his trousers, shirt and braces- he seemed to look taller. Zaphod looked at him with contempt.

"What do _you_ want?" he asked.

"You're not acting much like a president," said Jack, searching for an argument.

"I am so acting like a president!" yelled Zaphod. "A president can do whatever they want!"

"This is childish," said Spock, who had been lurking with Bones in the background.

"Shhh," said the Doctor. "I'm trying to watch!"

"I have an idea," said Zaphod.

"This can't be good," said Ford, looking worried. "Zaphod Beeblebrox and ideas can't stay in the same room as each other; someone will get hurt."  
"Well, we have a doctor," said Bones.

"Yeah, but I don't really do... well, anything a doctor does to be honest," said the Doctor.

"I meant me," snapped Bones, annoyed.

"I've had a better idea," said Kirk.

"Hey! You haven't even heard mine yet!"

"Come on, men. Spock, try communicating with the Enterprise again."

"Communications are still down," said Spock.

"Dammit," said Kirk. Zaphod glared at him.

"My idea will determin which of us is the best," shouted Zaphod.

"I think you need to watch his sugar intake," the Doctor told Trillian. Trillian glared at him.

"We all drink a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster," said Zaphod gleefully.

"I think this is a great idea," chipped in Eddie. "You can all drink yourselves to death and leave the ship in the hands of those with more sensible heads on their shoulders." He said all this with such a jolly ring to it that no one was quite sure whether he was serious or not.

OoO

There was a tall glass full of the terrible liquid that Zaphod Beeblebrox had rustled up excitedly in front of each man. Zaphod looked quietly confident. He knew that he could drink the stuff easily. The only thing worrying him was the confident smirk plastered onto Jack's face. Jack was completely confident in himself: it was only a drink, and he had drunk some pretty strong stuff in his time. Kirk was smiling, but the expression on his face was forced. Beads of sweat were forming on his forehead. Bones gave him a thumbs up, and he felt as if he might throw up. The Doctor, by this point, had found himself some popcorn, and was happily munching away.

"I drank this stuff once," said the Doctor conversationally to Arthur.

"I remember," said Arthur. "You were out cold for three days." The Doctor winced.

"Don't remind me."

OoO

The drinking contest was over quickly. Zaphod downed his glass in one, feeling the burning liquid slide down his throat. He only flinched, a brief frown passing over his face. He looked around, smug. Jack, however, had already drank his, and was being congratulated by the Doctor.

"Very well done, you didn't even flinch! How did you do it?" he gushed.

"Well," said Jack. "Let's just say it wasn't the strongest stuff I've drank." Kirk had not fared so well. He had taken only a sip of the liquid before clutching his head like a child in distress and projectile vomiting across the table. He then groaned loudly before passing out, his face in his own sick.

"Let's just say it was a draw," Zaphod said to Jack. Jack shook his head.

"I've beaten you at your own game," he said. He winked at Zaphod. "See you around sometime."

"Doctor McCoy, I have managed to contact the Enterprise. They have a lock on our positions," said Spock. Bones grimaced.

"I don't believe the captain will enjoy returning in this condition, but needs must," he said. The three of them dissolved into blue lights.

"Goodbye," the Doctor called after them. "How rude... Well, Jack, I do believe that it's time for us to go."

"Alright, Doctor," replied Jack. After saying a few hurried goodbyes, they left the room where Marvin was clearing up Kirk's vomit and went back to the TARDIS. The last thing they heard was Marvin muttering.

"Brain the size of a planet and they ask me to clean up a Star Ship captain's vomit," he said in his depressing way. The Doctor laughed.

"Off we go!" he said. "Did you like my surprise?"  
"I did," replied Jack, smiling.

The End

**AN: Well... Sorry, I just have to write about pan-galactic gargle blasters...**** And Sorry about the Kirk bashing... And the Zaphod bashing... I love them both really...**

**The next prompt is Doctor Who/Life On Mars, it's complete, it just needs typing.**


	5. Mistaken Identity

**Mistaken Identity**

**Prompt: Doctor Who/Phoenix Wright or Life on Mars story? Would be even better with Master/Doctor!  
I've done Life On Mars, sorry if anything is OOC, I've never seen the programme... I've tried my best xD  
/Basically, when text is written within slashes, it means that either the Doctor or the Master is talking to the other inside their heads, due to a psychic connection/  
For FightingDreamer Alchemist**

/Where are going?/ the Master whined. He was reclining on a beanbag at the edge of the control room. The Doctor wondered where he had got it from, but he didn't ask because he guessed that it had been stolen from one of the TARDIS's rooms.  
/Back in time. On Earth!/ he said instead, grinning excitedly at the Master.  
/That's boring/ moaned the Master. /I'm not one of your silly humans, I'm a Time Lord!/  
/But this is a great period of history!/  
/So where are we going then? A bloody roman battle? A vulgar Elizabethan play? Some other completely ridiculous piece of human history?/  
/1973!/  
/?/ The Doctor bounced around the controls.  
/1973!/ he exclaimed louder.  
/Nope. Nothing/ The Doctor slid down until he was sat on the floor, his back leaning against the controls.  
/1973!/ he tried desperately.  
/Repeating it isn't going to help. I don't know anything about Earth history/  
/Space exploration!/ exclaimed the Doctor. /This tiny, primitive race of people have finally ventured away from their home planet/  
/So?/  
/Computers. The microwave oven!/  
/What's a microwave oven? Sounds painful/  
/It's this incredible little invention that cooks your food from the inside out. It's absolute genius, uses microwaves... Which is where it got its name, coincidentally/  
/Right. Sounds... useful/  
/Oh, and the music!/ This thought excited the Doctor so much that he felt he had to say it out loud.  
"The music!" His voice echoed around the silent TARDIS. "Listen to this!"  
/Shhh/ said the Master. /You're making my ears hurt/ The Doctor ignored him and stood up. He pulled a few odd looking levers and pressed a couple of luminous buttons.  
"You are the dancing queen! Young and sweet! Only seventeen!" blared the speakers.  
"Turn it off!" shrieked the Master. The Doctor sighed and cut the music.  
"I know it's not their best song, but it really isn't that bad."  
"What the hell was it?"  
"ABBA."  
/ABBA/ the Master repeated in the Doctor's head. /So you're taking me here because humans have reached their tiny moon, they have started cooking their food from the inside out and they listen to ABBA/  
/And Fleetwood Mac, Elton John, Jimi Hendrix... It's a music revolution!/  
/You're still not selling it/  
/There were some brilliant films released. I remember watching Jaws 2, scared the pants off me/  
/Now that would be a sight worth seeing/ commented the Master dryly.  
/Sideburns were in fashion!/ the Doctor cried with desperation.  
/You wish/ said the Master, smirking.  
/Come on! It'll be fun. I'll show you-/  
/I don't want to be shown anything/  
/Spoilsport/

OoO

The TARDIS materialised loudly in the corner of the room, but the man sat on the chair didn't notice. He didn't see either, because he was facing the other way.

OoO

/We're here/ said the Doctor cheerfully.  
/Does it always make that dreadful racket?/  
/I like it/  
/You would/ The Master stood up. /Come on then. The sooner we go, the sooner we get back/  
/Put the beanbag back where you found it/ said the Doctor.  
/No, I might want it later/ The Master opened the blue door. The Doctor followed him, realising that, once again, the Master was in control.  
"My name is Sam Tyler," he heard the man say. He looked vaguely familiar although the Doctor could only see him from behind. The Master looked at the Doctor.  
/Who is he?/ he asked.  
/I don't know/ replied the Doctor.  
/Elton John? Jimi Hendrix?/ asked the Master sarcastically.  
/No/ said the Doctor, wishing that it was. He had Elton John's, but Jimi Hendrix's autograph was one that he had never got round to adding to his collection.  
"I had an accident and woke up in 1973," said the man. He was still facing away from the two Time Lords.  
/Do you think he's an actor?/ asked the Master.  
/Rehearsing?/  
/Yeah. Sounds like it's some sort of science fiction thing/  
"Am I mad, in a coma or back in time?"  
/Or all three!/ said the Doctor.  
/Shush/  
/Why?/ The Doctor pouted, but the Master wasn't looking at him.  
/Because I'm listening. And I won't fall for your puppy dog face/  
/You're not even looking at me!/  
/I can just tell/  
/Wasn't doing it anyway/ lied the Doctor.  
/Sure/  
"Whatever's happened, it's like I've landed on a different planet."  
/Ooh, aliens/ said the Doctor.  
/Don't you listen?/ snapped the Master. /It's _like_ he's landed on a different planet/ It was the Doctor's turn to say shush now.  
"Now, maybe if I can work out the reason, I can go home." The man stood up and turned around. "Who the hell are you?"  
"I think the question is, who are you?" replied the Doctor.  
"You're another hallucination, aren't you? This isn't real, it can't be." He was looking at the Master as he said this.  
/He's creeping me out/ said the Master. /Can we go somewhere else?/  
/No. I want to know who he is/  
"Who are you?" asked the man. This time it was definitely directed at the Doctor.  
"I'm the Doctor," he said, holding out his hand. The man shook it.  
"Sam Tyler," he said. The Doctor noticed that Sam was pointedly not looking at the Master. He wondered why.  
"I'm-" began the Master, but Sam cut him off.  
"I know who you are. Stop talking to me."  
/Oh, someone doesn't like you/ said the Doctor. /When did you piss this guy off?/  
/I've never seen the man in my life!/ exclaimed the Master.

OoO

The Doctor and the Master followed Sam outside. It was raining.  
"So what are you doing round here?" Sam asked the Doctor.  
"oh, I'm just out and about, you know..."  
"Oh?"  
"I travel. I've been to a lot of places."  
/You don't say/ said the Master.  
/Shush/ replied the Doctor.  
"I bet you haven't been as far as me," said Sam, sadly.  
"As far as you?"  
"It doesn't matter."  
/Why doesn't he talk to me?/ whined the Master. /Make him talk to me/  
/Stop acting like a two year old and ask him yourself/ The Mast glared at the Doctor.  
"Tyler, why are you ignoring me?" the Master asked. The Doctor laughed: the Master sounded like an annoyed school boy. Sam finally turned to look at him.  
"You're a hallucination." This made the Doctor laugh louder.  
"I wish," he said. "He wouldn't annoy me so much if he was a figment of your imagination."  
"But he's me."  
"Hey! I'm still here!" yelled the Master, but both of them ignored him.  
"He's you..." The Doctor clicked his fingers excitedly. "Of course! That's who you reminded me of!" Both Sam and the Master looked at him, confused. "Sam, you look like the Master. Master, you look like Sam!" The Doctor was beside himself with excitement. "Oh, this is brilliant!"  
"Don't mind him," the Master said to Sam. "He's crazy."  
"So you're not a hallucination?"  
"No," said the Master. "I'm a Time Lord."  
"So, you see, you look exactly like each- what did you just say?" said the Doctor.  
"What's a Time Lord?" asked Sam.  
"I travel through time in a TARDIS. It's inside, want to see?"  
"Hey! That's my TARDIS!" The Doctor chased after the Master and Sam who had gone back inside. He didn't like this new, friendly Master.

OoO

"But it's bigger on the inside!" Sam Tyler gazed around the interior of the TARDIS with an awestruck expression.  
/How did you get in?/ the Doctor asked the Master furiously.  
/I got your key/ said the Master smugly. /You left in the door/  
/Damn/  
"It's Time Lord technology," the Master told Sam. "It can take you anywhere you want to go, and anywhere in time."  
"Seriously?" asked Sam.  
/What do you plan to get out of this, Master?/ snapped the Doctor. Both the facts that the Master had his key and that all three of them were dripping rainwater onto his clean floor were annoying him.  
/Control of the TARDIS/ replied the Master. The Doctor laughed coldly and Sam looked at him oddly.  
/It won't work/ said the Doctor.  
/It will. I will return Tyler home, time will break and you will beg me to sort things out/  
/I'll never beg for anything from you, Master. And you've forgotten that only I can control the TARDIS/  
"You can travel through time?" asked Sam.  
"Yes," said both the Doctor and the Master at once.  
"I'm not supposed to be here in 1973," said Sam. "Can you take me home?"  
"Yes," said the Master.  
"No," said the Doctor.  
/Why not?/ asked the Master. /Don't you want to help him? That's what you do, isn't it? You always help people/ The Doctor ignored him.  
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm so sorry."  
"You're just going to leave me here?"  
"You'll find your way back. You have to do it by yourself."  
/Bastard/ said the Master. /I'll think of another way to cause chaos/ The Doctor didn't reply.

OoO

Sam stood outside the TARDIS. He watched as the 1950s style police box disappeared from view with a loud, grating sound. He was stood in the 1970s, a visitor from the future, gazing at something from an even earlier past.  
"I'll have to find my own way back," he said to himself, thinking bitterly of the Doctor who had left him behind.

**AN: So... there it is, my first attempt at Life On Mars... Without having seen it. *Holds head in hands* Please don't hate me if you don't like it. :p**


	6. My Precious

**My Precious**

**For Dont-Call-Me-Koschei**

**The prompt was: You know how much I love you... DEATH NOTE DEATH NOTE DEATH NOTE and LOTR.**

**So here goes. I've made an attempt. xD**

"Come on, come on!" The Doctor talked to himself when he was lonely. Which he was now. He didn't blame Martha for wanting to stay at home, but the TARDIS was too big for just him. "Come. On!" he cried, grabbing at her controls. The time vortex gripped his ship, spinning her, throwing her around. "Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!" And suddenly she did stop. The Doctor looked at the control panel. "No..." he said, almost afraid. "Not a parallel universe..."

OoO

The Doctor, having pulled his act together, stepped out of the blue police box. He breathed an audible sigh of relief when he realised that this was not Bad Wolf Bay and that in fact he had never stepped foot here before. He looked around. He was stood on top of a small hill and before him a tiny village was laid out. And there were... little people. The Doctor blinked and then shrugged.  
"I wonder what species they are," he said to himself. He was about to walk down the hill and into the village when he heard a small but angry voice.  
"What are you doing up there? Get down at once!" There was a man at the bottom of the hill. A very small man with, the Doctor noted, very hairy feet.  
"I'm coming, I'm coming," he said, bounding down the hill. Now that he was standing beside the man he realised that he was about half his height. "What are you?" he asked curiously. "If you don't mind me asking, of course. I don't think I've ever come across your species before."  
"I'm a hobbit," said the man, drawing himself up to his full height which turned out to be pretty much the same height he had been before.  
"A hobbit... That's amazing!"  
"Yes, I am Mr Bilbo Baggins." He held out his hand and the Doctor reached down and shook it.  
"Hello Mr Bilbo Baggins. I'm the Doctor."  
"Just Doctor?"  
"Yes, just Doctor. Now, I don't suppose you could tell me which planet I'm on?"  
"You're in the Shire. This is Middle Earth!" There was a pause, and then: "Do you smoke, Doctor?" asked Bilbo. He himself had a pipe lodged in his mouth.  
"I don't actually," said the Doctor. Bilbo looked visibly disappointed. He puffed out a smoke ring.  
"Are you sure? I couldn't tempt you? I have a spare pipe inside."  
"No, no, I'm quite sure," said the Doctor, smiling.  
"Oh." There was another pause. Then: "Well would you like to come inside for something to eat? I've had elevenses, but it's almost time for half past elevenses."  
The Doctor laughed. "I am quite hungry, actually. I do believe I skipped breakfast this morning, so a spot of half past elevenses would be wonderful, thank you."  
"You skipped breakfast?" asked Bilbo, his eyes as wide as dinner plates. "You- you skipped breakfast! Quick! Come inside and we'll get some food into you!"  
The Doctor followed the hobbit, feeling a little bemused.

OoO

At the foot of the hill, cut into the side, there was a small, round door. Bilbo opened this door.  
"Do come in. Oh, mind your head. Wipe your feet on the door mat please. Through here, through here."  
The Doctor let himself be bustled along into a cosy little sitting room.  
"Just stay here, I have a seedcake in one of the pantries." Bilbo walked sedately out of the room. The Doctor guessed that he would be gone a while so he left the tiny room and its warm fire and began to explore the rest of the underground house.

OoO

"So I can kill anyone?"  
The Doctor stood by a door listening to the one sided conversation going on inside. He wondered if the person was speaking on a phone, but then realised that judging by the decor of the rest of the hose that phones hadn't been invented. Perhaps the person was just mad, then, and talking to himself.  
"Could I kill you?" said the voice, genuinely curious. There was a pause and then: "Why not?"  
The Doctor decided to go in and investigate because the person sounded dangerous. He pushed open the door slowly. "Hello? Anyone at home?" he called.

OoO

The room looked like an office. It housed a large, solid wood desk and a tall, straight backed chair. The occupant of the chair was another hobbit. He had just finished hurriedly stuffing something into one of the desk drawers, as if he was trying to hide it from the Doctor. He looked up.  
"Who are you?" he asked.  
"The Doctor. Who are you?" the Doctor replied.  
"Frodo Baggins," said the hobbit. "Now, I hope you'll excuse me, but I have important business I need to get on with."  
"Would this be the business which involves killing people? Because I can't let you do that. I'm sorry, but I can't. You were talking to someone before, weren't you?"  
"I- They left," said Frodo, his eyes darting shiftily around the room.  
"You wouldn't mind if I took a look around, would you?"  
Frodo opened his mouth but no sound came out.  
"Oh, thank you," said the Doctor. "I can't help feeling curious."  
"Wait, I didn't-"  
"Aha!" The Doctor had opened one of the desk drawers to find an A4, black covered notebook. It had embossed gold writing on the front. "Death Note," the Doctor read. "What's this?" He reached out a hand as if to pick it up.  
"Don't touch it!" shouted Frodo. The Doctor recoiled his arm.  
"Why?" he asked. "What's wrong with it?"  
"Nothing," said Frodo, not looking the Doctor in the eye. The Doctor reached out again.  
"Well you won't mind me taking a little look at it, then, will you?"  
Frodo watched, powerless, as the Doctor picked up the black notebook.

OoO

As soon as the Doctor's fingers closed around the Death Note, a strange, demon like creature blinked into existence in front of him.  
"You let him touch it," said the demon to Frodo.  
"Who- Who are you?" asked the Doctor, taken aback.  
"Me?" asked the demon, gesturing at himself. "I am Shinigami Ryuk, a death god."  
"So shinigamis actually exist," said the Doctor with wonder.  
"Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk!" said Ryuk. The Doctor guessed that the death god was laughing.  
"So this must be your Death Note! This is a real Death Note! That. Is Amazing!"  
"It's mine," said Frodo, reaching out to take the book off the Doctor. The Doctor held it out of his reach.  
"Oh no you don't. These things are dangerous."  
"Give it back! There are things I need to do with that!"  
"Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk!" laughed Ryuk. "You people are so funny to watch."  
"Things you need to- Things you need to do?" exclaimed the Doctor. "You mean people you want to kill. I can't let you do that, Mr Frodo Baggins."  
A wild, feral look appeared in Frodo's eyes and, in a feat not usually accomplishable by a hobbit, he leapt across the desk and onto the Doctor's back.  
"Give me the Death Note!" he snarled.  
"Over my dead body," snarled the Doctor equally viciously. "You can't wield the power to do that, you're a hobbit!" It was at that point that Frodo punched him in the face.  
"Give me my precious!"  
"Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk," laughed Ryuk, enjoying himself. Finally the Doctor managed to throw Frodo down on the floor.  
"I'm really sorry, but it's for your own good. I'm going to have to destroy this."  
"You can't," said Frodo. "It can only be destroyed by the fires of Mordor."  
"You've been reading too many fantasy novels," laughed the Doctor. "I'll chuck it in the fire in the living room."

OoO

The Doctor ran back through to the living room, hoping that the fire was still lit.  
"Where have you been?" asked Bilbo, who was stood in the middle of the room clutching a large seedcake.  
"Oh, I've just got a job to do, sorry," said the Doctor. He reached over and dropped the notebook into the fire where it burnt with a bright orange flame.  
"What was that?" asked Bilbo curiously.  
"It was a-" He caught Frodo glaring at him. "It was my diary..."  
"Oh, alright," said Bilbo, a little bemused. "Would you like some cake now? I'm getting rather hungry."

OoO

"I'll just go wash these dishes," said Bilbo, gesturing at the crumb covered plates. The Doctor patted his full stomach; he could swear he had put on a whole stone.  
"That was wonderful cake, Mr Bilbo, thank you. Just what I needed," he said. Bilbo smiled.  
"It was my pleasure," he said. He gathered up the plates and left the room with them balanced precariously on his arm.  
"Light was much more fun to play with," muttered Ryuk.  
"Well this 'Light' person didn't have me around to watch out for him, did he?" said the Doctor, smugly.  
"I'm outta here," said Ryuk, and he disappeared. Bilbo walked back in.  
"Scones and jam, anyone?" he asked.  
"Ooh, don't mind if I do," said the Doctor, licking his lips. He had space for a _bit_ more food.

The End

**Well... That seemed to turn into a crack fic by the end, but who cares. Here you go, my lovelies. **


	7. Piranha Shadows

**Piranha Shadows**

**For don't-call-me-koschei**

**Prompt: Discworld. That would be mad. Imagine the Doctor at Unseen University... :D**

**AN: I thought I'd make a change and try a little Eleven here. **

The TARDIS faded into existence in a very quiet, very dark corner of the Unseen University. The Doctor stepped out of the door and straightened his bow tie before striding off down the corridor.

It wasn't only the intelligent rats, however, who saw him appear. Mr Nutt, the university's best candle dribbler, watched with amazement as the strange, bow tie wearing man exited the small, blue box and disappeared off into the shadows.

**Do not draw attention to yourself.**

Mr Nutt turned his back on the strange sight and returned to his work. He needed to prove his worth, after all.

oOo

The Doctor burst into the Uncommon Room with the force of a small elephant. His entry was so violent that a couple of the older wizards fainted into their armchairs.

"Now, see here-" blustered Ridcully, almost getting to his feet but changing his mind at the last moment and staying seated. Not every wizard in the room had claim of a chair and he remembered the rhyme clearly: 'On your feet, lose your seat.'

"I'm looking for the librarian," announced the Doctor. "Oh, and by the way, you really need a few signposts in here. I got lost several times just trying to find _you_."

"Well- You- Who are you?" asked Ridcully, deciding that this petulant man warranted drastic measures. He stood up. In a flash, his seat was filled by one of the lurkers.

"I'm the Doctor. You know, a time lord and all that. Now, it really is vital that I find the librarian."

"Well you won't find him here," said Ridcully.

A few other wizards shook their heads and murmured disapprovingly. This man obviously had no idea about university protocols.

"Why don't you try the library?" Ridcully suggested sarcastically.

"Ah yes… That might be a good idea." The Doctor waved at Ridcully and the assembled wizards. "Well, I'll be off then… Sorry to bother you all. Enjoy your" – he leaned over and studied the low table that was laden with food – "cheese."

Then he darted out of the Uncommon Room.

The door slammed shut behind him and the Uncommon Room returned to its original state of happy chaos.

oOo

The Doctor charged down yet another corridor. He was sure that the university was leading him round in circles.

"Come out, come out, wherever you are!" he called.

A moment later he almost ploughed through Mr Nutt.

"Back here again," he muttered to himself when he caught a glimpse of his TARDIS a few feet away. "Now, how in Rassilon's name did I manage that?"

"Excuse me," said Nutt, ever the polite one. "Do you need any help?"

The Doctor looked down, distracted.

"No, no, of course not- I mean yes. Help would be good."

Nutt looked at him in bewilderment.

"What do you need help with?" he asked, still being helpful.

"What was that?" asked the Doctor. "Oh yes, help. I'm looking for the librarian." He knelt down. "It's an emergency," he whispered. Then he leapt to his feet. "What are we waiting for? Come on!"

He ran off again with Nutt simply staring after him. Then the Doctor turned.

"Well, aren't you going to show me?"

Nutt stared at him. Then he said, "It's this way."

"Right you are," said the Doctor, changing course and following the bemused Mr Nutt.

oOo

"Here is the library," said Nutt. "Please excuse me; I have to get back to my candles."

"Very well," said the Doctor with a manic grin. "Thank you very much! Now off you go, I'll find the librarian easily."

Mr Nutt hurried away, wondering who in the Gods' names the strange man in the tweed jacket was.

The eleventh Doctor pushed open the library door.

"Hello? Is there anybody in there?" he called. "Come on, I know you're hiding in there somewhere."

He stepped inside the endless room, taking care to avoid the shadows cast by the high wooden shelves. He could smell them.

There was something moving a few feet away from the Doctor. Something orange.

"Come on, I won't bite. Well... you might. I'd better keep my fingers to myself..."

He trailed off.

The orange shape moved closer.

"I have a banana for you," called the Doctor.

The orange shape bounded over to him.

"There you are," said the Doctor, reaching out to pat the orang-utan's head. The creature bared its teeth in a rather menacing grin and the Doctor pulled his hand away quickly. "Oops, forgot about that," he said. He then proceeded to search his pockets frantically.

The orang-utan growled.

"Hush, I have it here somewhere," the Doctor assured him. Eventually, he pulled a yellow item out of his back trouser pocket. "Aha! Here it is!"

He brandished the banana at the librarian who looked at it with distaste. He must have decided that it wasn't too bad, though, because a moment later it was gone and a smug, almost content smile was plastered across the ape's wrinkly face.

The Doctor bent down, his nose close to the librarian's.

"I have something important to tell you."

The ape cocked his head to one side.

"Stay out of the shadows."

oOo

"They're back!"

The Doctor's announcement roused the academicals.

"Why is he still here?"

"I thought we got rid of this guy?"

"What's back?"

"I don't care, go away."

"Perhaps we should listen to him..."

"Shut up!"

The Doctor glared at them all.

"The Vashta Nerada are back. Any one of you set foot in the shadows of this building and your skin'll be shredded off you until all that's left is a skeleton. They're piranhas. Alien piranhas. You ever heard of piranhas? Well, they're like piranhas."

"I would have thought that if there were flesh-eating vashy arder things in our library, we would know about it," said Ridcully sceptically.

"What do you think happened to your night kitchen staff? There are only three left. The former Dean-"

"He's at Brazeneck College now."

"-No, former former. The one who was so old-"

"Died in his sleep."

"-You never found the body! And your candle dribblers! The library is rarely lit now because they're all so scared."

The academicals were silent. Not one of them moved, not even the most hungry of them.

"Do you understand?" the Doctor asked, almost screaming. He took a deep breath. "Do you get it?" he said, calmer now.

"But how do we get rid of them?" asked a terrified Rincewind, panic stricken.

"I"- The Doctor paused.-"I don't know. Have you gentlemen got any ideas?"

The assembly of wizards stared at him, their jaws almost scraping the floor.

Ridcully stood up, forgetting for one crucial moment about the unwritten law.

"Aha, a volunteer!" exclaimed the Doctor with a wild grin. "What's your plan, Mr Ridcully?"

Ridcully tried to sit down but found that the worm Rincewind had taken his seat. He glared at the offending wizard and then returned his gaze to the Doctor.

"We need a light," said the Doctor, prompting the wizards. "Light to scare those shadows away, back through the cracks and into the other library. Surely you have some magic that can help us?"

"Well," said Ridcully, feeling a bit stupid now that he had no seat. "Well, there is one way that might work."

"Oh?" asked the Doctor, leaning in closer.

"There is something, the other colour."

The room fell so silent you would have been able to hear a pin drop; if anyone had a pin to drop, that is.

"The 'other colour'..." mused the Doctor. "What is this other colour?"

"The eigh-" began Rincewind, speaking from his position on Ridcully's seat.

"Shhhhh!" hissed an angry chorus of wizards.

"What's the eigh-" asked the Doctor.

"Shhhhh!" hissed the wizards again.

Ridcully stood up straighter.

"The seven-plus-one colour is something that we can't tell you about," he stated, eyeing the Doctor's tweed jacket and jaunty bow tie with distrust.

"I would have thought you'd have realised the danger you're all in," hissed the Doctor. "One wrong step and you'll be stripped to the bone. One wrong turn and there'll be nothing left of you but bones. Now tell me what the eighth colour is!" He roared the last line.

The wizards flinched.

"Now you've done it," muttered one of them.

Nothing happened at first and the Doctor dismissed it as fantasy.

"Well, if you lot have no ideas then we'll have to go with mine," he said regretfully.

"What's your idea?" asked Ridcully, failing to hide the curiosity in his voice.

"My idea," said the Doctor slowly, "is for everyone"- he shot out a hand and grabbed an escaping wizard by his robes- "to take one of these flashlights and chase those pesky shadpws through the dimensional folds and back into their original library."

The wizards stared at him. None of them moved.

"Well isn't that just great?" said the Doctor. "I'm disappointed in you all. Well, I'm going to leave now. Remember to think of me when the Vashta Nerada strip your flesh from your bones as you lie there screaming in agony."

He turned and left the room, striding purposefully towards the library. He smiled to himself when he heard the shuffle of wizard feet behind him. He had known they would come around eventually.

oOo

"Right!" said the Doctor, facing the small group of rather red faced wizards. That brisk walk was probably the most exercise they had done in the past few years.

"Mmhmngh," grumbled Ridcully, clutching his sides.

"Pardon?" asked the Doctor, cupping his hand to his ear. "What was that?"

Ridcully glared at him. The wizards were good at glaring.

"What's wrong?" asked the Doctor mockingly. "Scared of the dark? Well, it's a good job I've brought you all a flashlight."

The wizards, after a moment's pause, decided unanimously that the strange man's plan was a better idea than sitting and waiting for Death and a violent scramble for torches ensued.

After three minutes and seventeen seconds, Ridcully boasted the biggest flashlight with all of the other wizards clutching ones of various sizes. All except Rincewind who was left with the pencil torch. An interesting study in social order could have been conducted on the rabble of wizards but the Doctor decided to save that for another day.

"Alright? Everybody got a torch? Let's go!"

oOo

The wizards followed the Doctor's lead, filing into the library, torches glowing.

"Go get them, boys," exclaimed the Doctor.

It was at this very moment that the Discworld Gods finally woke up and unleashed the eighth magic.

Of course, the Doctor didn't realise this.

oOo

"Where...? I don't believe it," said the Doctor after a good twenty minutes.

"What?" asked Ridcully. "What is it?"

"They're hiding from us," replied the Doctor, scratching his head. He tugged nervously at his bow tie. "The Vashta Nerada are hiding from us. Or... from someone else. Something else. But what could it be?"

"There's something else?" asked Ridcully, his voice wavering. He coughed to cover it up, but the others had already heard him.

"We're going to die!" screeched Rincewind, causing a mass wave of panic and screaming wizards.

The Doctor could sense something. Something big. Something huge. Something colossal.

"Everybody shut your eyes!" he yelled, and the wizards, desperate to save themselves from the terrible fate they had imagined, did exactly as they were told.

The Doctor screwed up his eyes just moments before the Gods unleashed hell.

The light ripped through the library like a fierce wind, ruffling pages, reverberating off shelves and destroying shadows.

The Vashta Nerada didn't have a hope in hell.

The Doctor only opened his eyes when the wind ceased. He glanced cautiously around the library which was still illuminated by the remnants of the magic blast.

"They've gone," he said. "You can all open your eyes now."

The wizards tentatively opened their eyes.

"Is it safe?" asked Ridcully.

"Perfectly," said the Doctor. "Completely and utterly. There are no shadows left. Now, I have to leave. Hopefully, you won't see me again."

Ridcully opened his mouth to reply, perhaps to ask the strange man to stay a little longer. Perhaps to thank him, although the latter was unlikely. But the man was gone, running out of the library and back to his little-big ship.

Only Mr Nutt Saw the TARDIS disappear.

**THE END**

**AN: Well, there you go. That was my attempt at Eleven. xD**


End file.
